Once You're Done You'll Spit Me Out Or Chew
by Miss Meggie
Summary: Every relationship has it's make or break moments but Jemma had never imagined this baptism by fire would be it. **Final part of the She's Burning Trilogy!
1. Chapter 1

He's there for going on three months before she works up the nerve to face him. She has to convince Coulson she won't melt down on sight. Despite her best efforts she crumbles to the floor a sobbing mess.

Everything comes crashing in on her when she clamps her eyes on him. He still has the eyes of the man she loved. It makes her anger confusion and sorrow bubble over. She cries for the betrayal and Fitz and herself and even Grant.

"Grant." She can hear herself giving way to keening sobs. How did they get here? This person kneeling next her is not the man she loves but he has his face and she's so heartbroken that not even scientific explanations can help her. Grant tried to kill her and almost succeeded in doing so along with irreparably breaking Fitz. He is not and will never be the same. They're communication once so clear and natural is now like talking on fuzzy line.

Everything in her life is broken and it's all Grant's fault. He tells her to breathe and looks at her like he's seeing a puppy being kicked half anger half sorrow.

She will not feel bad for him. "Take your time Babe." He said gently. He has no right to love her anymore. She refuses to let him try. She gathers herself and gets up off the floor with Trip's help. The way Grant flinches as Trip touches her doesn't go unnoticed. She walks away without another word.

-/-/-

Coulson balks at letting her return to the vault but she is not the same rule following easy going Simmons as before. Grant's betrayal had hardened her resolve immeasurably. She will get the answers from him that she deserves and not even the Director of SHIELD can stop her.

Coulson stands before the door. "He taught me how to get past any man using only two fingers. Don't make me use it. It's truly quite painful and I'd rather spare you undue discomfort and stress." She said her tone being rather prim. Coulson steps out of her path she opens the door to the vault and takes the few steps down into the basement. She can hear Agent Triplett behind her but doesn't pay him too much mind. Grant was already on his feet toeing the line before her foot hit the first stair.

She walks up behind the metal chair they leave out for his guards or Skye. "Was everything a manipulation from the start? Did you ever feel anything remotely warm toward me? Or was I a means to an end?" She asks simply. She must come across as calm because he steps closer.

"Are you okay you seemed pretty spent after…" she picks up the chair and hurtles it at his head the bloody force field enacts and it clatters harmlessly to the floor and if that isn't entirely unsatisfying she doesn't know what is.

She knows her eyes light in anger as she answers. He'd always said her face said more than her words did. "No Ward I'm not okay! You've ruined everything about me! You've made me question my every thought every bloody choice! I don't sleep but when I do I dream of the bottom of the ocean and I wake feeling as if I'll never draw another breath!" She said lowly and for half a second he looks as if she'd slapped him with her words. "You have broken my Fitz! He will never know how to untangle what is left of his intelligence from the confused web the hypoxia left him trapped him in! You have ruined the other half of me! I'll bloody well hate you until the day I die!" he doesn't say anything. He just stands there arms crossed still as stone.

She shakes her head to force away the tears she feels threatening her. "You were the first man I've ever truly loved and you took that and you twisted it and perverted it until I can never know what was truly real. I can never trust my heart again. The least that you can do after stripping away my whole world is to tell me the God's honest truth. Did you ever love me?"

He nods while he glances at Trip but answers. "I loved you Jemma. Hell I loved you from the moment I saw you. I still love you. I deserve every bit of hate and disgust you can throw my way. Lying wouldn't serve me now even if I wanted too. I love you Jem."

"You tried to kill me." She said tightly.

"Yes I did and no explanation I can give will change the fact that I did it. I held your life in my hands and made the wrong choice. I'll carry that regret my whole life." He confessed his eyes kept sweeping up and down her body like he was trying to make sure she was whole and unharmed.

"Leaving me to drown or effectively killing Fitz as we knew him?" She snarled out pettily.

"Both."

She nods accepting his answer but needing more. "Was I an assignment from Garrett? Get the scientist to fix me Son?" She imitated and she sees a smirk for all of two seconds.

He cleared his throat and replied shifting his weight back and forth. "No, I knew all I needed to do to gain your help was ask, though that meant revealing my loyalties to Garrett and Hydra to early if sleeping with anyone could have benefited my cover it was May. She's naturally suspicious but then you happened."

She tries to keep the derisiveness out her tome it doesn't work. "We just happened?"

"Best accident if my life Jem." He honestly smiles and when it gets under skin she gives into the desire to be mean.

"Don't do that call me Jem, or Baby or Babe like you didn't burn away every right to love me the second you pulled that fucking lever." She can't help shouting at him as her rage creeps back in.

He ignored her statement. "You made me reckless and selfish. "

"Oh did I now?" She laughs mirthlessly.

He steps ever closer and the field engages again. He doesn't seem to mind he just holds her gaze."You are the one thing, the one person I have allowed myself to keep for myself since I was eighteen Jemma. Being with you had nothing to do with SHIELD, Hydra, or Garrett. I was with you because I wanted you. You'll never know how much you mean to me. "

"What's your point?" She snapped growing tired of him trying to soften her ire.

He looks at his feet a moment as if the concrete could help him choose his words. "He knew that I loved you and from the second he realized that my loyalties were divided and that I might choose you he decided to make me pay. He wasn't my whole world anymore and because he just might lose the power he had over me he wanted me to know that' he'd fix it so I'd lose you." He took a shuddering breath even as he kept his eyes locked on hers. The fact that she could still see the person she loved in him sent ice skittering down her spinal column "He ordered me to shoot you and I couldn't I couldn't look into your eyes and pull the trigger. So, I hoped that by some miracle you'd survive the fall and use that beautiful mind of yours to save yourself and if you didn't?" he looked as though he actually might cry. "I hoped you'd be dead before you hit water. He was trying to hurt me so if I didn't at least try to make it look like you were dead he'd do it himself and he'd have made me watch."

He closed his eyes a second and when he opened them he was in control again using that voice that always made Jemma feel like if anywhere was safe it was at Grant's side. "So yes Babe, loving you made me reckless because I shouldn't have done it in the first place and it made me selfish because I didn't know how to put you first. Not really."

She turned to leave. Her insides feel shaky she needs out of here. "Jem? Regret is about the only thing I have left in me but I'd love you again in heartbeat. I'd do it right this time. I don't expect your forgiveness or your love I'm not stupid just know I will always tell you the truth and I've got your back. I'll catch you next time I swear. I'll love you no matter what even if it's from a distance and never returned again I'll die loving you." Suddenly she really wanted to just curl up and cry.

"Funny, I almost died loving you." She turned and walked out.

=/-/=

She spends weeks turning their conversation over and over in her head. She combs her memory for cues that he is lying or has some angle. Just like before she still can't tell his truths from the lies. All she knows is how impotent she feels. She can't heal Fitz's brain. She can't make herself not feel something…. for him hate and love are basically the same thing under different microscopes. She sighed. She never should of said yes to that stupid first date. Stupid bloody fair.

Bobbi Morse plops down next to her with a bag of potato chips. Ah, yes she's in the common room she had forgotten. "What's up Simmons? You look more freaked than Hank Williams at a P. Diddy concert."

She smiles mutedly at the other woman's joke. Morse and a few others had joined the team seeing as Hydra had SHIELD on the ropes. As it turns out she and Morse had become friends. The woman is a straight shooter it helps Jemma bypass some of her new found trust issues. "I only love my idea of Grant right? There's only so much you can compartmentalize I mean he's a murderer and a lying traitor. Loving him makes no sense so why do I still do it?" She is honestly so confused right now she wouldn't know an isotope from her own arse.

"I'm going to say the thing no one else will say to you. Because well he's kinda evil and no one wants to propagate that but here's the thing it's possible to love pieces and not the whole of someone. I've done it, hell I do it. Why do you think Lance and I are the way we are? He's the partial love of my life." She munched a chip.

"But= He tried to kill me Bobbi!" She pointed out merely for arguments sake.

"Granted, no pun intended. You still believed him on some level you believed every word the man said otherwise you wouldn't look so twisted up. You might never forgive him but some part of you will always love him. Some part of you loves the lie and the flashes of truth and that's perfectly okay Jemma its human." Bobbi said.

As she lets Bobbi's words permeate her grief Jemma realizes maybe it's time to trim away the strings of fate connecting her to him and she knows just how to do it because even as she accepts that she might love him she doesn't trust him. She's not that dumb.

He doesn't know that and she can use it to her advantage

AN: I own nothing all story titles in the trilogy come from the song She's Burning by the treasures. This fic will be markedly darker but if you would please stick with me Ward makes good on his promises I swear it might not be the happiest of endings but it will be satisfying. If you liked it tell me chapter two is next obviously!-MM


	2. Chapter 2

She fixes herself a cup of peppermint tea to ease her twisting stomach and takes with her as she heads down to where Ward is for this conversation they need to be alone. It's not like she needs Trip per say she has a whole force field and the fact that if Ward touches her she'll rip his hands off herself on her side. She steps into the vault. "Good morning Ward. I am going to infiltrate Hydra to collapse it from the inside and you will assist me did you sleep well? We have a long day ahead." She says with forced cheer.

"I miss natural light and good morning love. Come again did you just say you wanted to infiltrate Hydra all by your lonesome?" He mutters into the crook of his arm he's using to block out the ever present florescent light.

"Beggars can't be choosers when they dump their girlfriend into the pacific. Yes, I did." She quipped sitting primly on the chair's edge.

He moves to get up and stand before her in his classic defensive stance. In another life it had mad her smile. "Why're you doing this? And why would I help you? You can't lie your way out of a paper bag Jem. You're great at many things long term con not being one of them."

She retorts. "Because I'm doing it either way regaurdless of your opinion but with your help I might actually live through the first day. If you love me as much as you claim I thought keeping me on this side of the angels might be of some importance to you."

He shakes his head and fights a disbelieving smile. She can she can see it tucking at the corners of his mouth. He turns his gaze back to her. "Fine. Do you love me Jemma?"

"No." She said quickly. Likely too quickly.

"Step one teach you to lie." He said pointing at her.

"I wasn't lying! I loathe you." She spits back vitrolically.

He begins to pace his steps following the line swathed across the floor. "I'm sure you do. Let me amend that I must teach you to lie better. I'm pretty sure you hate me but you love me too."

She looks up at the celling endeavoring to count to ten. She only makes it to four before her anger rears its head. "Why're you such a bloody wanker?"

"Because the thing I want is parading around in front of me in and I can't touch it wearing the sleep shorts I that Iike? Nice touch of torture. Kudos Baby." He retorts.

"Oh My God!" She shouts exasperated.

"Some parts of me were real Jemma especially the part that liked flirting with you. Keep your breath even… now do you love me?" He answers while watching her cross her legs.

"How many bloody times-" She complained.

"Until I believe you don't... too much detail always gets you caught." He relays calm as can be.

"Still love me Jem?" He asks.

"Not at all." She returns like she hasn't a care in the world.

"You're eyebrows wing up try not to get excited or over think Stay still but not too still." He directs to her.

"Do you love me?"

She yells in a pure and sobering rage as she springs to her bare feet. "Bloody hell Grant if I could stop God knows I would."

He grins victoriously and she longs to slap him. bloody fucking wall she hates it. "Right there that! Tell a version of the truth and you'll be fine."

"I will get iced on the first day." Her voice shakes slightly as she tries to gather her wits.

"No you won't. I'm teaching you we both know there's no better liar. Drink your tea before it gets cold."

She sips and he paces. "Why're you nervous Jemma? There's a wall between us." She glanced up at him in shock. "You drink Peppermint when you are nervous. Chamomile at night and breakfast tea when you wake up around nine. I can smell the mint." He answers her unspoken question and it rattles her just so. He's truly got her pegged.

She lifts her chin and looks him in the eye as she tells the truth. "I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid we still mean something. Get back to teaching me to be a proper prevaricator."

"Fair enough, first you gotta tell me why you're doing this. You've told me you're doing it but not why. It's necessary to build the proper façade." He pointed out.

"Hydra took Fitz and you from me by extension I want them crushed to nothing."

"Okay you can't say that."

You're a regular genius Grant." She snarls at him.

"Science motivates you. It makes you happy. Happier than I probably ever did or will. Use it."

She picks at the hem of the terry cloth shorts that were his favorite. "Alright."

He poses a question like the Hydra agent he is and it honestly creeps her out more than a little. "Miss Simmons why are you seemingly one of SHIELDS most loyal agents ready and willing to switch sides."

She cleared her throat and squared her shoulders. "I follow the science where it leads me. Hydra has better resources and little rules I prefer to be uninhibited in my pursuit of knowledge."

"And what of your partner Leopold Fitz any lingering allegiance with him?" Grant prods and even though Jemma knows his intention her skin still feels like it will crawl off her body at the mention of Fitz.

She takes a breath. "Sadly SHIELD's weaknesses are to blame surely as if they'd pulled the trigger themselves they killed any of the value my partner had to himself or our partnership. I must move on."

"Damn…" He murmured.

She winces. "Too much? I figured they'd trap me with Fitz so I practiced."

"I'm sorry honey." He said.

She kicked her chin up in his direction. "It's too late for that. Will that suffice?"

"Yes Jemma. Just be careful with the lies otherwise they'll make you compliant I don't want that."

"What's-"Her phone rings "I'm needed upstairs." She gets expediently to her feet.

"I'll be here when you return." He waits until she is half way across the room. "And Jemma, I love you too." They both know she hears him despite her ignoring the statement.

-/-/-

She calms down Fitz and trains with May before returning to the vault. He takes one look at the slight bruises she's sporting about her abs and her split lip. "Stop letting her back you into a corner Jem. Corners mean death." He cocks his head down at her bruised bloody knuckles "Atta girl fight with all you got Hydra has never heard the word mercy. Square your hips before punching it'll improve accuracy. Throw your weight all into it. You'll land more hits."

She just stared at him. "I could hear you guys through the vents." He points above his head.

"Tell me what compliance means Grant." She pushes on. She steps up to the barrier they're no more than a few inches apart.

"Brainwashing and no before you ask I wasn't I followed Garrett off the cliff because he was my only family, I was loyal to the man not the organization."

She nodded. "You had me. You really fucking had me Grant. Why couldn't you see how much I loved you?" She asked calmly as she is still unbearably confused by where they've ended up.

"I don't know what you want me to say babe. I only know how to destroy vulnerability not shelter it. You've always been a mystery to me. I knew you loved me I just didn't know how to handle it." He answered her looking like he's itching to touch her. To comfort her.

"I think we should call it a night." She turned and walked out.

_/-/-/

They work on the lying and she's at the very least passible enough not to die from her lackluster skill. He requests that she bring three to six items at random every day. He teaches her to make weapons from the items. He sits Indian style on the other side of the barrier instructing her. As a result she can make a garrote from a broken tongue depressor and a length of dental floss. She can make a bomb from a soup can and magnetized paper weights. Along with May's strength training and sparring lessons Jemma is as ready as she will ever be.

-/-

She's too restless to sleep if she's not running worst case scenarios in her mind she's thinking of Grant and their lessons. Thinking of the way his eyes traced along her body. The way she waffles between detesting his very being to still being hopelessly in love a with broken image of him she harbors in the deepest corner of her heart.

She still loves Grant Ward and she hates herself for it every time she even so much as glances at Fitz.

Her mind simply must stop racing. She can think of only one way to do it.

She gets up and heads down to the vault disconnecting the surveillance and sound as she goes.

-/-/-/-

She steps into the lit up basement that contains Ward. As she steps up to disengage the force field she and Fitz had built back in their academy days Ward gets to his feet toeing the line rather brazenly. She pulls her gun as she hits the last button. She points the gun at the center of chest. "You run or try to harm me and I will pull this trigger. Not a dendrotoxinized bullet to be found I'd be really cautious if I were you." He just stares. "My love." She tosses off the term of endearment carelessly and smiles sharply at him. She enjoys the way those two sacred words hit him like explosions. Good he deserves that pain and so much more.

"I really could shoot you." She shrugs. "Huh. That's a revelation for another day."

"Jem…" He said carefully.

"Yes…" She lowers the gun just slightly. She strolled forward within touching distance.

"Whatcha doin?" He sounds downright conversational.

"After all this time I know you can read my mind. I know just where your eyes linger. What do you think I want Grant? Care for a shag? One last roll for old time's sake." He stares down at her. "I'm standing right here and you've yet to touch me… I'm beginning to feel slightly-"he loops an arm around her waist his hand snakes down to grab her ass and yank her firmly against his side.

He kissed her surprisingly gently and she lets just that first one go just because it feels good. He'd always been a good kisser and at one point she wondered if even that was a lie. Maybe not. "Drop the gun." He says against her lips.

And just like that it's all back in focus. She backs out of his embrace to place the gun on what she now thinks of as her chair. When she turns back to his side she stands on her tip toes to kiss him hard. He gets the message quickly enough and kisses back with equal force. Her lips feel bruised when he breaks away to yank her shirt over her head. "The short hair I dig it." He says roughly as he backs her to the wall leaning down to kiss her again. He chuckles when she sinks her teeth into his bottom lip drawing just a tinge of blood. The sound of his laugh tumbles around her brain.

The coppery taste lingering on her tongue reminds her Grant is in fact human. He is utterly fallible. It makes unbidden tears to sting her eyes. The cool air hitting her legs as Grant drags her pants down pulls her back to reality. He is unworthy of a single one of the meager tears she has left.

He places a tender kiss on the inside of her left thigh. It has her insides warming at the mere thought. They don't have time for that. Pity. He's good at it. "We don't have time for that. The shield reactivates in an hour." She shoves her bangs out of her face to look down at him. He looks honestly disappointed they have a time limit.

He gives her a positively sleazy smile that should not have turned her on. "Next time." He shoves his pants down and lifts her off her feet with one arm. She splits her legs apart to wrap around his hips. He shoves into her with extreme force.

She loves it.

She rucks his shirt up to scratch her nails down his back leaving angry lines in their wake. He growls she thinks in enjoyment. He hitches her higher all while staying firmly within her body.

He kisses and nips at her breasts leaving stubble burn in places only she will find later.

He keeps up the most punishing pace he's ever had with her. She can feel herself coming apart she makes a noise that makes her decidedly glad she'd cut video and audio, she's pretty sure she says his name.

She knows that he knows her climax is coming he knows her body better than she does especially when he's putting it to good use. He grabs her face unwilling to let her glance away. He forces her to look in his eyes.

Surprisingly she handles it well she can face the monster in both of them that makes what they're doing now possible.

She loves him and hates him and it's all rolled together there in his brown eyes that guard, hide, and reveal so much all at once.

They come together a rare occurrence for them but not impossible as it happens he kisses her so softly and deeply it makes her breath catch. "Be careful Jem." He whispers against her lips. "Please God, just …don't die." He murmurs as they breathe the same time patch of air.

He lets her down. They redress in silence.

"This is goodbye." She said while staring at his chest.

"I know." He replied flatly.

She lets herself look at him now. To memorize him a final time. "Good bye Grant Ward."

"Goodbye Jemma Simmons." He replied and she turned and walked out of his cell. She relocks the wall.

She can feel him looking at her as she walks away. She doesn't look back. She no longer feels regret. She must move forward. It's the only way to save herself.

Jemma Simmons is her own safety net. No man needs to catch her.

AN: I own nothing. One or two chapters left depending on how things land. If you enjoyed it tell me. Thanks for the support thus far!-MM


	3. Chapter 3

Jemma has been under at least three months a little more by Grant's calculations. It's hard to track days when he's confined as he is. He's actually really proud of her. He will never say it aloud, but he is.

He isn't at all surprised to see Coulson or Trip. When Triplett raises his gun he paused almost mid stride. He can't help but hold his breath something his very, very wrong. He eyes Coulson but does not speak. As Coulson lowers the barrier he feels a little sick. Coulson hands him a phone. "It's for you."

He has to will his voice not to shake as he says a single word. "Jemma."

Her voice shakes. "Grant I don't know where I am-"

The voice that cuts her off with its southern lilt puts ice in his veins. "Naughty, English Pea. Those were not my instructions." He took a disappointed breath. "I told her to tell you to move fast son before I correct your mistake."

The line went dead in his hand. "We have to move now!" he steps over the line that spelled out his captivation with no thought already headed for the stairs.

"Who says you're going anywhere? Fitz says from the doorway.

He doesn't have time for this. He has to get to Jemma. He looks at Fitz desperately trying to contain his anger, "I'm your only option Fitz and Coulson knows it."

"You hurt her again and I-"Fitz threatens his fear palpable to the entire room.

Grant just tells him the truth. "We love the same person Fitz. We have to go now." He turned toward Coulson. "She's in a little backwater town just outside Jackson Hole on hunting grounds. I can find it easy but that was Garrett's whole idea."

This is personal.

=/=/=

The bus had always felt like home but now it just feels foreign. He wished they had just given him a Quintjet and just let him fly solo. This was his fight, his problem, his girl to save. He can't sit still once their flight pattern is set he gets up to pace. Trip follows him. He doesn't care. He pilots himself without thought to Jemma's bunk.

He shouldn't go in he knows that but he can't stop himself. He needs to be around her things. It motivates him. So that he remembers why he will cross him off. And he will with his bare hands.

All her effects are all unchanged. The pictures of them are gone or put away maybe. Jemma's not a really "Burn Your Shit" kind of woman.

He picks up her perfume because her scent a thing he never thought he'd miss but he seriously does "Invasion of her privacy much dude?" Trip says before he can inhale the flowery scent. He sits bottle back in its place.

He looks over his shoulder at the other man. "She's not nearly as innocent and modest as you think. I just need to stand here a second." He takes a deep breath and taps out their little Morse code message on her door frame. "Okay," He steps out having been re-centered.

"Does she believe that you love her?" Trip asked having caught the Morse.

Grant leans on Jemma's bunk wall arms crossed "It doesn't really matter what anyone believes I know what I know and I love her. None of you think it's real? That's fine works in my favor even. If you doubt it maybe Garrett does too. It'll make him easier to kill."

"How so?" Trip pushed.

"It's not curiosity that kills the cat, that's just what traps it. It's Over Confidence that kills." He answered.

They let him suit up and then he's frog marched back to his seat for the remainder of the flight. He's left to wonder if he had prepared Jemma enough to survive the unthinkable until he can get to her.

=/-

The woods smelled fresh of spring, like the winter frost had only barely permeated the surface, allowing the trees to flourish and flower. He could smell the pine, see the lilac. This place at one time meant serenity, purity to him. A new meaning of life. Back then, when he'd been abandoned here, it was a way to hone in on what he'd been taught. Now it was a place of fear, one he never wanted her to see.

The firefight had been left behind while the team covered him with just enough leash to get to Jemma. Garrett's Hydra groupies kept them busy long enough for him to be alone. That's what this was all about after all. Being alone, with Garrett to either make it right, or go down trying to save the only thing he ever really loved.

His comm was filled with chatter and ricochets'. So much so that he couldn't focus for once and yanked with force the earbud from his ear. The spiral black cord bouncing off his shoulder. He crouched down to survey the area. He saw no external threat, only confirming this is what Garrett wanted. Cronies to cover the team while he had at it with Ward.

"I can see you Ward." Garrett taunted as he emerged from the cabin door, Jemma held at gun point close to his chest. Grant looked her over and while he saw no proof of injury, he knew emotionally, her barricade was barely holding. Grant fired off a warning shot from his 9mm, intentionally missing. As Garrett was distracted, he sprang from his crouched position, on the immediate attack.

Jemma was thrown to the ground forcefully as Grant knocked the pistol from Garrett's hand. The two landing back into the cabin with a loud bang.

It all happened so quickly, the struggle, the boxing match, moves that only a select member of Garrett's group could know were all being thrown. As Jemma got to her feet, Grant and Garrett came crashing through the window, glass flying everywhere and she had to duck to avoid injury, turning away from the ball of men now in the dirt. Garrett had Grant on his back, lefts and rights connecting deeply. Jemma noticed a gun tucked into the back of Garrett's waistband. She had to act fast or it would be too late but the nearest gun was now attached to him or across the porch. She scrambled for the end of the porch only reaching the discarded weapon as three loud gun shots rang out.

She turned quickly, pistol raised and fired. If she missed, she'd be dead. Garrett would be able to recharge and that would be the end of her.

She didn't miss thankfully. The bullet found its way home in the base of Garrett's skull hitting him directly in the brain stem. Short circuiting his body's ability to regenerate with GH-325 much less breathe at all. As Garrett's body falls to the side of Grant She can see the damage left behind by three shots she had heard. "Oh no." She laments rushing to his side.

-/-/-

Grant is pretty sure his back is broken. His lung is punctured and he's likely bleeding internally. It's what he gets for letting a robot beat him up, toss him out a window, then shoot him multiple times. He'd always known he was going into this fight sorely outmatched the definition of the underdog. Fuck dying hurts.

He hears a definite bang and then Garrett's body slumps off him.

Then Jemma is kneeling next to him babbling "I'll fix it! I can fix it. I just need my things…Help!" She uses her hands to pressurize the worst of all very mortal wounds. "Help me! Please bloody fucking help me!" She screams sobbing. He hates this Jemma has never had opponent she couldn't beat. Karma is coming at him full bore and they both know it.

He pulls her hands away from his wound. One of them anyway. That one was a gut shot. Ouch. "Jem stop trying to save me."

"No I-"She goes to put her hands back.

"I don't have long." He cupped her face in his hand. "Look at me Jemma. No matter what history will or won't say about me or the choices I've made the only one that matters is that I loved you." He smiled at her wiping away a stray tear with his thumb. Man he loves her. He's going to miss her most.

She kissed his cheeks and finally on the mouth he sinks into the sensation. It drives away the cold taking over his body. "I love you Grant so much more than I could have ever hoped to hate you. I can fix this." She confessed ever hopefully.

"You can't babe. I'm going to die."

"But I don't want you too. "She said trying and failing to hold back a sob.

"I know. You know as far as last times go ours wasn't bad. Never thought sex in a prison cell was something I'd even want to cross off the bucket list." That startles a laugh from her.

"Truly Grant now isn't the time for jokes love." She reprimands shaking her head; some of the tears abate as she gripes at him, Good.

"Made ya smile." He said totally unrepentant. "And I got the love… it's a win."

"We should have been teachers after Skye erased us." Jemma said with a wet sniffle.

"Agreed. Fewer bullets, nice simple life…couple kids and a dog. I always liked it here. It was peaceful made me feel something…" he coughed "Like whole. Bury me here in the clearing please…I'm a traitor to both sides this seems like the best place." She nods affirmative with tear filled eyes.

He pulls her into one final kiss. Something to take with him into hell.

-/-/-

She doesn't want them to end this way. She'd never wanted them to end at all. He no longer has the strength to speak so here she sits in the grass with his blood creating little muddy rivers that flow around her bent knees. She cradles his head in her lap. His breathing is hitched and ragged like he's fighting for every shallow breath. His eyes flutter closed and then open again as they simply breathe in the same space hers even… his not. "You can go love, you kept your promise. I'm safe, you caught me. I won't leave you. It's not okay that this is goodbye…" she leaned down to kiss him a final time. "But it's the only one we have…so just go. You're safe. You are loved." She gives him the permission he needs to leave her. A soldier's last order.

His eyes close and his breathing just stopped. It's over. At least for him.

-/-

The pain of the loss is sharp. So sharp that it goes numb. Like someone had taken a cetaline torch to her heart. She knows as if she is observing from outside her own being that those broken sobs are coming from her.

She can hear Fitz approaching and then. "Bloody hell." He steps back quickly she assumes to get Coulson. They begin to encroach around them she feels needlessly and insanely protective of him or maybe it's the both of them she wants to protect.

Maybe if she holds them off long enough this moment will cease to exist.

She can name the things she sees on her team's faces but she'd rather not name the feelings because it makes it worse their pity, relief, regret, sadness. It's all there and the worst part is they aren't her team anymore. She's been under long enough that they function differently.

Even Fitz seems to be autonomous to her. She'd expected as much but it stings. They've stopped being Fitzsimmons. She wants to be mad at Grant for that but she just can't find the energy.

Fitz bless him reaches out to gather up but She can't help the sharp reprimand in her eyes even as she's crying them out because if she leaves him here her love, if she leaves him here in the dirt covered in blood, bits of grass, and his own insides it's real he's dead and there is no fixing the fairytale. No matter how deeply buried the hope it dies the minute, the second she reaches her feet. "Do not touch me." She sucks back tears to command him.

Coulson ignoring her demand scoops her up. "He would not want that Simmons. He wouldn't want you laying over him in grief unwilling to move on. He made you tougher than that and we all know it." He says as he carries her off. She doesn't move or fight him because one he's right and two He wears the same cologne as her father. The smell is comforting enough to let her relax a fraction.

On the bus Coulson places her in the shower stall and Skye joins her to help. Jemma is too the catatonia stage of shock. In this moment she sees nothing but kindness in Skye as she undresses her and washes away the blood streaking Jemma's body.

As Skye washes grant's blood from her hands tears threaten but she holds it in. She notices a nasty looking cut on Skye's arm. "OH that needs seeing too Skye." She says leaning forward to inspect it.

"You're my only concern right now Simmons." Skye says gently and those tears flow quietly.

"I've cocked everything up. You all must hate me."

"For getting kidnapped by Captain Fuck off…" Skye attempts to joke.

"No, for loving him as I did. He was a traitor. A murder, I never forgot that." She replied.

"You love who you love Jemma it's just that simple." Skye returned.

-/-/-/

When she steps from her cabin dressed in sweats and a tee shirt Fitz wraps her in the tightest of hugs. "Oh hi, yes I- I needed this." She wraps Fitz in her arms and hugs back as they sway with the force of the hug,

He pets down her wet hair. "I've missed you fiercely Leo." She said softly.

"Likewise Jemma." He kissed her temple before letting her go.

-/-/=

She thinks the worst is over after the briefing it's not. She goes to find a cream to treat Skye's cut and Mack tries to block her from entering the lab. There on the lab table where she and Grant had once had fun happy sex filled with shushed laughter and tentative touches now lays a body bag.

She thinks she may vomit where she stands. She doesn't she sobs so hard she covers her mouth to hold in in the noise that threatens to take up the entire plane.

=/=/=

They release his body to her on a Tuesday it rains. That seems fitting to Jemma. Coulson has to do some fancy foot work to circumvent Grant's congressmen brother but it's done.

She picks out a deep blue suit her favorite one. Along with a tie she'd bought him at The Hub's PX. It's a kitschy little tie with guns and bullets on it that he'd never had a use for it. He'd never worn it but the casket will be closed so she decides Grant would like the oddity of it.

-/-/-/-

She dresses simply. In a plain black dress. It's short but otherwise modest with long sleeves and a square neckline. She pulls her hair into a simple chignon and does her make up plainly. She takes the wild flowers meant for his casket with her and he heads to her car.

The drive to the clearing is actually beautiful. She'd been too fearful in the midst of her kidnapping and the horrible aftermath to notice the minimal beauty the scenery contains. She drives in silence because the only things that come through on the radio are very anti-SHIELD talk radio shows and a classic country station.

Garrett had played that station for her entire captivity. She thinks she'll never again hear "Gentle On my Mind" without feeling like she could retch at a moment's notice.

The path to the spot she'd chosen to bury him is nothing but a winding bumpy dirt road. She parks off to the side and picks a careful path to stand next to the coffin. He'll come to rest under a cottonwood tree a good distance from the cabin she's ignoring the existence of.

The pastor she'd paid to say just the bare minimum of words seems to be waiting for more mourners. Sadly… "It's just me." She said.

"Not quite…" comes from behind her. She's surprised to find Bobbi Morse striding over to her side. Jemma had taken her personal leave to bury Grant. She'd known her team that really wasn't her team anymore wouldn't want to bid farewell to their deepest betrayer no matter how much Jemma had loved him.

"I know what it is to love a man with a complicated heart." She took Jemma's hand. "And no one should bury a loved one alone." Morse squeezes her hand and nods for the pastor to begin. His words fuzz out of her mind.

She thinks of their first meeting and how she knew she was going to like him just by the way he looked at her as she explained what she was searching for. She thinks of the way his laughter sounded when he was relaxed. The way he slept with his hands on her at all times as if he feared she'd vanish. The way his kisses felt different when they were secret.

If the love they had cultivated had not been shadowed by betrayal it'd have been a lovely thing and ultimately he'd still be alive.

She's not sure why silent tears are dripping down her face because she honestly thought she had none left to spill but she guessed that theory was disproven as she cried.

The pastor finishes and he and Morse step away. She can find no words to say. A rare occurrence for her.

She taps out. "I love you." Against the wood off the coffin. She placed the blue bonnets on the box holding Grant.

She turns and walks away a final time.

Fitz is there leaning on her rental. "You didn't have too come. Thank you." And she feels like crying all over again.

"I love you Jemma. That means I show up for you." He said candidly.

-/-/-

Happiness returns to her in increments. Like light seeping through cracks it comes in the form of helping Fitz regain himself and in her work. She likes undercover work and keeps at it. Science is still her thing but sometimes she likes being other people. It gives her different stories to live. And one day she bumps into a stranger on the street and the way he smiles at her gives her enough hope to try again.

Because life as Grant would say is in the choices you make. She chooses to love Grant forever and she will but she also chooses to be happy. To reach for it. To discover it and keep it.

I own nothing. I hope you enjoyed! Blue bonnets are the state flower for Texas where their first date took place. If you liked it please tell me!-MM


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